NEVER Piss Off The Assistant

Getting Past The Watch Dog

Are you a salesperson? Do you DESPERATELY want to talk to a manager/director of a department? Here’s something you should know:

Your chances of talking to that person are DIRECTLY proportional to the amount of information you readily give to me, The Watch Dog at the Gate.

Let’s take a test:

You: Hello, may I speak to Ms. Smith?

Me: Whom am I speaking with?

You: Dave

Me (still nice): Dave….

You: Jones

Me: (nice with sugar on top): And you’re with…

You: Acme, Inc.

Me: (HEEPS of sugar): And this is regarding…

At this point, the odds of you getting through to talk to Ms. Smith are about the same as George W. Bush’s twin daughters enlisting in the Marines. If I have to drag information out of you kicking and screaming, you are NOT getting through. Beware of sweet Assistants. The sweeter they become in the course of a conversation with you, the higher the likelyhood that W and Nancy Pelosi will become BFF before you get to talk to the boss.


Let’s take another test:

You: Hello, may I speak to Ms. Smith?

Me: Whom am I speaking with?

You: This is a personal friend.

Me (still nice): I appreciate that, but I still need to tell her who is calling.

You: Dave Jones

Me: (nice with sugar on top): One moment, I’ll see if Ms. Smith is available.
(She’s sitting in her office, reading her e-mail and drinking a cup of tea. She is so available, it hurts).

Me: Jane, your close personal friend Dave Jones is on the line.

Ms. Smith Who?

Me (laughing): That’s what I thought!

Me: (HEEPS of sugar): I’m so sorry Dave, but Ms. Smith isn’t answering her page. Would you like to leave a message?

If you think I’m writing down a message to give to Ms. Smith, you probably think there are WMD in Iraq, too. Foolish, foolish you.


How about we take yet another test:

You: Hello, may I speak to Ms. Smith?

Me: Whom am I speaking with?

You: Dave Jones. I’m with Acme, Inc. and I’d like to speak with her about our new whatchamajiggy.

Me (Nice. Really): Dave, hold on a minute and I’ll see if she’s available.

Me: Jane, I have Dave Jones from Acme, Inc. on the line. Would you like to talk to talk to him about his new whatchamajiggy?

Jane: Oh, what the heck. It’s always good to keep up with new whatchamajiggies.

Me: Mr Jones, I’m transferring you to Ms. Smith.


You won’t always get through, because maybe we don’t need a whatchamajiggy or maybe the person you’d like to talk to really IS busy, but, your chances increase exponentially when you’re upfront and honest. Part of my job is to keep pests off the back of my boss. And I’m really good at it. I enjoy it. And if you get snotty or nasty or try to ignore my questions – you are NEVER getting through. But you will provide a few moments of entertainment to me.

Actually, if you’re REALLY snotty and insisting (without telling me why) to talk to my boss, you are going to be sent to “On Hold Purgatory”. I’ll put you on hold, and every time the call rings back to me, I’ll sweetly ask you if you want to continue to hold while I continue to page/track down/ etc. my boss. Meanwhile, I’m going about my business, but I’m not paging. I’m not trying to find my boss At All. Why? You were a snot. You’re going to get frustrated being kept on hold, but you’re not going to ever get through. When my boss walks through (or she may be in her office listening), I’ll explain that there’s a snot on the line who won’t give me any info and in fact has been abusive to me. The very best you can hope for at that point is to give up and let me put you in her voicemail. She’ll delete you for having been abusive to her assistant. Moral:

Never Piss Off the Assistant.